I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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