At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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