is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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