he thought i was a dude.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
