It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
