I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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