hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
