I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
