And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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