just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
