Screwed.edu
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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