Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
