remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
worst night to have a conscience
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
