I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
