i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
