I think my fart just growled at me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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