I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
