So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
