I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
