You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
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I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So many bounce houses so little time
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You may now shotgun with the bride
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Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
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