I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
