even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
