at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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