2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
