it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
