3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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