If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
