Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
