I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
