she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
