You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
