You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
