dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
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i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
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She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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