Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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