i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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