I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
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What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
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We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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