I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
BRING THE BAGELS
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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