fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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