If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
