pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
