I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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