I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
