Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
