I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
