I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
