mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
