Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
