Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
