if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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