I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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