I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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