I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
