A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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